Monday, February 27, 2012

Waiting Waiting Waiting

I am one week away of from finding out our life's destiny.  I am trying very hard not to think about what Travis and I are going to do with our lives if we are not blessed with children.  Every once and awhile the thought drifts into my head and I just push it out hoping that that is not God's plan for us.

I want to thank all of my fertility friends that have been reaching out to me during this time.  No one can understand this period in my life other than them.  You guys have been been great and I love you all.  So how am I feeling?  I am very tired so I am sleeping at least 8 hours a night if not more.  I am letting my body rest it has been through a lot.  I can also cry at the drop of a hat and boobs are sore.  I know from previous attempts that this is all the hormones and drugs.  I would like to think that it for other reasons but I know better.  I have to admit I am a tad grouchy sorry Travis.  Little things seem to set me off not a usual characteristic for myself.  I don't remember being this touchy last time.  I guess it's true what they say the older you get the grouchier you get!

As for meds I am taking a blood thinner in my stomach every night to combat the MTThFR factor.  The factor makes my blood thicker than normal and when the embryo attached to the uterus with it's little veins my blood is to thick to get through to support the little life growing inside me.  So the blood thinner combats that issue.  I am also on progesterone suppositories.  What a mess but I will take it over the alternative IM in my rump!!! No thanks they hurt way to much.

I have little rituals I do.  Sometimes it seems a little silly but I feel like I want to connect with the embryos the best I can.  Every morning I rock in a rocking chair one of our friends gave us with the picture of our embryos.  I also rub the petri dish on my belly.  Part of me has my defense mechanism up and I ask why are you doing this but I am none the less.

Travis and I had a discussion about taking a home pregnancy test.  They tell you not to and I never have because I figure it's going to come out positive from the trigger shot and that it is not accurate but this time I took one the day after my transfer and it was negative.  Now I know that if I get a positive its the real deal.  Travis doesn't want me to do it because if it's negative I am just going to be depressed until I get the real results.  I have to work on the Monday I get my results and part of me would rather be prepared for the negative if it happens instead of it being a total shock.  The other side is it may be positive and we can rejoice.  My birthday is this Friday so I won't test then but I plan on taking one on Saturday.  I am well aware that sometimes the HPT comes out negative but the blood essay is positive.  So we will wait and see.

Other than that I am just trying to keep myself busy.  Today I am going to lunch with a girlfriend of mine that just delivered her baby after struggling through infertility.  I had to buy a baby gift so I had to go into the baby department usually a traumatic experience just to walk by but when someone that has a miracle I rejoice in their triumph and just hope I can join that elite group that struggled and succeeded.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Do you really believe God asked?

My week began with anticipation.  Monday morning we were waiting to hear weather or not I needed to get in the car and drive for a transfer or if we would have a blast transfer on Wed.  Obviously praying for a blast.  In order for me to get to Cinci in time I needed to leave by 5:30 am.  The nurse usually doesn't come in till 7 but she came in at 6:15 to read my results and call me.  Once again going above and beyond the call of duty.  I kid you not the phone rang preciously at 5:15.  Not a minute sooner not a minute later.  The magic words your embryos have made it to blast.  All eight were still growing strong.  I could breath a sigh of relief.  We were calling our embryos little Ricettes.   Off to work Monday and Tuesday flying high.  My mom was going to travel with me this time.  Travis had no more vacation time as well as it would be good mother daughter bonding time.  We left on Tuesday around 3 and arrived in Cinci around 9.  We got a good nights sleep and were up bright and early with excitement.  My mom was way more excited than I was.  I saw her roll over at 5:30 to see if I was awake.  I was not quite ready to get up yet so I fell back asleep.  My body needs to be good and rested to let these embryos have an inviting environment.  I have remained relatively calm throughout this whole process until now!  I have had bouts of excitement but they are short lived.  It is all a process with a lot of steps involved.  I feel like once you clear one hurdle there is another one waiting for you.  So I celebrate that triumph and hope for the best with the next one.  Travis has been very positive.  Much more so then I I have to admit  I am  so used to things not happening for us it is hard to get excited.  I carry a heavy heart sometimes because even if we do get pregnant that is only half the battle for us I still have to not miscarriage which as we all know is another problem we face.  Trying to keep all these negative thoughts at bay but it is hard.

Anyways back to the positive.  We were scheduled for transfer at 9:45 Wed morning.  Of course we get there early because we are so excited and anxious to learn how are Ricettes are doing.  I brought the nurses and Dr. S one of those Mardi Gras cakes with the baby you hide in it for good luck.  A few weeks earlier we had one at work and I got the baby and you betcha that baby was in my pocket for retrieval and transfer.  Mom and I got in the clinical attire.  Dr. S was in the hall and greeted us in his usual warm manner.

Into the surgical suite where Dr. S appeared shortly.  He was the one with the progress report on the Ricettes.  He reported we had two beautiful embryos we were going to transfer today and four that had a 50 50 chance of being able to freeze.  Next he brought me a picture of our two embryos that he was going to transfer.  One was more mature than the other but both were good quality he said.  The more mature one was getting ready to hatch which was a very good sign.  The transfer was such a positive experience right before he placed them he said think positive thoughts here we go.  I cried as I saw the little white burst get placed into my utereus.  Dr. S gave me a hug and said good luck and as a parting gift he gave me the petri dish the two embryos were growing in.  2 was the the theme of the trip I have to say.  When we checked into the hotel we were given room 222 and our transfer was 2-22-2012.  Gods was still displaying his presence.  When we checked into the hotel the first thing I saw were two books about God.  Little signs that all was good hopefully.

Yesterday was a bit of a downer day. They called to let me know that the four embryos remaining did not make it to be able to freeze.  I was really sad.  We would have had enough money left from birdies for babies to do a frozen transfer but we will not have enough to undergo another round of IVF.  So all our dreams of having children are riding on these two embryos implanting.  I had to ask what grade the two that they put in were.  The nurse told me one was a 1AB and the other was a 2AB.  I had hoped that at least we had one A. I was really getting myself worked up about their grade and the fact that we had no reserve.  I had to pray and remembered I had put this all in God's hands and asked that his will be done no matter what the outcome.  I reminded myself it is not faith if when things don't go your way you lose trust.  I can't do that!  I have left this in his hands and no matter what it is his will either way. So I pray he has children in our future!  Pregnancy test is March 5th.  Now the wait begins 1 down 10 to go!!

Saturday, February 18, 2012


Yesterday was a great day.  We had our egg retrieval yesterday.  It was breeze compared to my last one.  I hate going under but my nurse was so nice and kind.  They didn't sedate me nearly as heavily as in the past. It was nice I was out of it but could still talk and they told me everything as they were doing it.  It is always such great experience.  I have been so at ease  through this whole process.  It has been such a positive experience.  I cannot tell you how glad I am we chose to go to Cinci!  Dr. S actually did my retrieval I asked him for his autograph now that he is famous from his appearance on the today show.  He laughed and said he would sign my forehead.  Retrieval was great we got 13 follicles.  I had an easy recovery and we were on our way home.  I had no cramping it was amazing.  I had asked for a script for Vicoden because the last retrieval was so painful but I didn't take but two doses of asprin.

My nurse called this morning to let me know 8 eggs fertilized.  That's over half we are soo happy!! We are hoping for a day 5 transfer but I could possibly need to be back in Cinci on Monday.  They are going to call at 5:15 Monday morning to let me know.  Dr. S is going to be putting two embryos in no matter what the quality.  Travis and I are already wrapping our minds around twins just in case.  He does have 100 percent success rate with us Chicago couples he says.

Right now I am on a steroid to decrease my immune response to the embryos so they have a better chance of implanting. Also taking progesterone but not shots.  Another bonus.  Love it.  Those Progesterone shots were so painful.   So right now we are coasting along praying for good things to happen.  

Thursday, February 16, 2012

God is guiding

I had my ultrasound and blood draw on Monday at FCI.  I was there for 50 minutes which caused me to be late for work.  I was a little frustrated no I m not going to lie I was a lot frustrated because Friday I made a special trip because there was some paper work I needed to sign to be an outside monitoring patient instead of a regular FCI patient.  I had called on Thursday to make sure everything and I was told it was.  When I got there on Fri the women I normally deal with was out sick.  The replacement had to find the right paper work even though it was suppose to be there.  Then on Monday when I got there she couldn't find it and I had to redo it after I already waited 40 minutes for ultrasound and blood.  Needless to say I was not happy. 

The good news is the nurse called that afternoon with my results.  My estrogen was 999 and I had 12 follicles.  She said "you are cooking" we need to slow things down so they reduced my gonal to 112.  She said Dr. S wanted another ultrasound on Wed.  I asked if he wanted it there or at FCI.  He said if he had his way he would like us in Cinci.  Not another thing needed to be said we are leaving nothing to chance this time.  I scheduled an appointment for today.  I was a little concerned because my lead follicle was 16 already and others were only 12 and 8.  She said not to worry sometimes these things can be subjective and thats why Dr would like to see you here. 

It was quite the whirlwind but we made it to Cinci. I love Travis for some many different reasons one of which being his driving theories.  He wanted us to leave at 3:30 to avoid traffic.  So we did.  It was fine with me I couldn't sleep anyways.  I did manage a nap in the truck.  One of the side effectsof all these drugs I am on is sleepiness.  I also have to go to the bathroom a lot and feel what I describe as growing pings.It is so weird I can actually feel the follicles growing in my ovaries.  I am pretty bloated and have gained about 3 pounds.

Ultrasound went well. The doctors do their own ultrasounds.  They are so hands on and involved in your treatment it really puts you at ease.   Dr. S wasn't there but Dr. B was very happy.  After he got done with the right ovary he said well that would have been enough but we have a whole another ovary to go.  During the whole ultrasound he talked to us and was so happy with our results.  Final numbers are. We have 13 follicles measuring from 20 to 14.  He said we are definatley ready to go. We were expecting a Saturday retrevial but Ovidral will be tonight and Friday is retrevial so I should be back to "normal" shortly.

As I woke up this morning I prayed for God to guide us on this trip.  I truley feel like he reveals himself in others.  When we checked into the hotel the women at the front desk was most friendly and asked us why we were in Cinci.  Of course I shared our story and she shared with us how she had given up one of her children for adoption and had prayed to god about the decesion long and hard and she would pray for us. I told her the more prayers we have the better and thanked her.  Next thing you know she upgraded us to a suite.  I love Cinci the people here are wonderful and are just so caring and down to earth.  I truley feel they have a God based living. 

Now I am at the end of my entry and can't come up with a title it's the hardest part for me so I just told Travis he has to come up with the name this time.  I am still waiting!!!  He can't do it either he said.  Guess it's up to me again.     

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Meds equal eggs

Monday I woke up with my period.  I debated calling into work and rushing in to get my baseline ultrasound and blood work but I didn't.  I reminded myself that I need to be patient and not stress myself out.  Having ultrasound day 1 or day 2 wasn't going to start the process any sooner.  I am excited to get start though.  So I went yesterday and Dr. S office called and said everything looks good.  I start my meds tonight Gonal and Menapur.  They wanted to try and get an ultrasound on Saturday but the only place that does monitoring on Sat is downtown.  She wanted to talk to Dr. S and see if we can wait till Monday if not I would go on Friday. She felt that was a little early.  So I am waiting for them to call me back with the final answer.  I just love the way they handle situations.  Everything is so relaxed and organized. Nothing rattles them or makes me feel like I need to be anxious about anything.  Such a different experience.  For the first time I don't feel like I am in the drivers seat.  Such a great feeling!  I am so much calmer than I have been with past cycles.  So I am off to get all my meds ready and start making eggs