Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I can breath

It is always nice to have a day like today to sit and reflect on how crazy life has been lately!  Not only did we have the normal hub bub of the christmas rush but we were dealing with the miscarriage and all the follow up that goes along with that.  Which is exactley what we didn't want to do but as I always say God's got a plan it's just not mine.  So here's where we are at at the moment.  My HCG levels finally came down to zero and on the morning of that blood draw I got my period.  Which was bitter sweet because I had been bleeding continously for about a month and had finally gotten a little reprive but I was excited because now we could go forward with the test to check if there was any damage or blockages in my utereus and fallopian tubes.  There seems to always be something to worry about when you are trying to get pregnant. 

On Dec 16th I went for the test with my good friend Dr. Heiberger.  Hugs and holiday wishes were exchanged.  Good vibes were all around I just love her.  She makes me feel so at ease with any situation we are presented with.  The tech was surpised that Dr. was going to be doing the test herself as this is not common.  I smiled and explained that this was my four miscarriage and Dr. H is not going to leave anything to chance with this round of IVF.  I am sure she wanted to see for herself as well.  I would have anyways.  The test did not take that long and was not painful EXCEPT for that ballon they inflate to expand your utereus.  That hurt like HE double hockey sticks.  At this point I have a passing thought of what the pain might be like to actually give birth.  I have gone though so much pain and suffering to try and get pregnant I forgot that you actually have to give birth as well.  We will cross that bridge hopefully soon but in the mean time Epideral all around for me!!  The test was all clear no blockages, tubal isuues or problems with my utereus.  Great news.  No explanations for why the continued miscarriages though.  I guess thats why we have the diagnosis unexplained infertility. 

In the mean time I am constantley checking Katie's blog because I know the time frameand I know that pretty soon we should have an answer as to how her cycle went.  On Monday Dec 19th I got a heart warming answer to my question.  She was pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!I frantically searched for her cell # and couldn't find it so I emailed her to call me ASAP!  I was crying such tears of joy when my phone rang.  We talked for over an hour.  Things like this are what give us hope that one day soon maybe I can cry tears of happiness for myself.  With Katies beta numbers I am sooo sure she is having twins.  I went to bed that night with an actual peace I haven't felt in a long time.  In that moment all was right with the world even if I wasn't pregnant my good friend Katie was and is.  God does work miracles.

I also had talked to Dr. Feinbergs nurse on Monday to come up with our game plan.  In Jan we will do a biopsy.   Also Travis and I will both go on a round of Doxcycline just to rule out any kind of bad bacteria floating around and compromising anything and then IVF here we come.  I am so ready to get started again and just hope that this time we will have a different outcome.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's just not enough

My Hcg is at 25.  I need to be less than 5 in order for Dr. Heiberger to discontinue weekly blood draws.  So I will return Dec 7th for yet another blood draw.  Hopefully this will be the last one and we can start to move forward with our plans.  Our plans have been slightly altered before we proceed with any further treatments they want to do a HSG which is a test where they shoot dye into your utereus and check how it flows through the fallopian tubes to make sure there is no damage.  That will put my mind at ease.  The test needs to be performed on day 7 to 12 of your period which I will get after my hcg gets to zero.  I just know how lucky I am to have not had to have surgery or lose a tube or worse yet an ovary. 

As all this is taking place life otherwise is normal.  We had a wonderful small thanksgiving.  Travis cooked the most juicy bird and everyone had a great time just enjoying family.  It was extra special this year because my mom usually has to work at the hospital and this year she was off so we cooked laughed and laughed some more.  Some tears were shed but I really wanted this to be a time of joy and thanksgiving.  Of course there are a lot of things I could wallow in self pity about but I really wanted these holidays to be enjoyed.  Thats why we had decided to not start treatment until January.  So I had that short period of time where it was dark and depressing but it didn't consume me like it has in the past.   I really think thats because we have the gift from birdies for babies and my faith in god is so much stronger now.  In a strang way I have made peace with what gods plan is for us.  I have actually even thought we will be okay even if gods plan is not for us to have children.  Thats not to say that I have truley wrapped my thoughts around that.  As we know we always think you are okay with everything until that becomes your true reality. 

For now we won't think that that we will ever have to face that reality because we still have hope!  We will continue to enjoy this blessed holiday season like our original plan was and know that 2012 is a new year.  Hopefully it will be the year for all the birdies for babies babies to be born.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers Katie Davis and Katie O'Brien I am anxiously awaiting all th good news we have coming.  I follow your guys blog and find strength in knowing I am not alone.  For the first time in a long time I am part of a club noone ever wants to be apart of but if I have to I want these strong and persitant women routing for me too.