Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Keep dropping

This is just a short update seeing as I am so busy getting ready to host Thanksgiving.  Had another blood draw Friday HCG is now at 99.  Dropping but not at zero yet.  I will go for another blood draw Monday the 28th.   We have to get to zero.  Feels like its taking forever!  No time to dwell on the negative.  This is a time of thanks and thankful I am.  I did not lose my tube or my ovary thanks to my wonderful doctors.  Even more important I have a husband and family who loves me and I am going to eat turkey and be thankful for all that I do have.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!  Gobble Gobble!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The darkness is setting in

I told myself I wasn't going to do this this time but the mind and the heart are very powerful things.  Last Saturday Nov 5th I went for my HCG draw.  At 12:30 Dr. Tart called with not good news.  My HCG had actually gone up from 1014 to 1025.  This was letting us know that the Methotrexate was no longer dissolving the pregnancy.  So you guessed it off to LF Hospital for another shot of Methotrexate.  Dr. Tart assured me that this happens in 20% of cases and to try not to get myself to worked up.  I love that phrase.  Everyone means well but until you walk in my shoes and think my thoughts everyday Good Luck!  Of course now the reality of me possibly lossing my fallopian tube or ovary is becoming very real.  I could not get another blood darw until today Wed Nov. 9th.  Travis is up north hunting and so after I go to the hospital  I go to the place I always go when I need comfort my mom and dads house.  Dad and I had a nice dinner at the Silo next time get a real meal. (Dad forgo the salad and pig out like me!) Then we went home and watched my brother play his racquetball match on the computer.  It wasn't the Crofts day he lost!  My mom was at work.  Travis had a good day though he got a ten pointer.  At least one of is having fun and doing the things we enjoy.   The medicine and I am sure everything my body is going through makes me very tired.  By 8:30 I was in snooze land. 

Got up on Sunday it was the time change Mom and Dad slept in I got up had my coffee and read my book till those lazy bones got up.  My mom and I have been trying to clean her basement out not a small chore I must say.  Mom asked if I wanted to go to church.  I did. I did not want to go down the same path I have in previous miscarriages I needed to keep God in my life even if I don't understand what his plan is.  I have to be perfectly honest I know its not mine to question but I do!  Message was good. I felt guilty being there when my mind was not totally in the moment. I went home to try and be happy for Travis.  That wasn't working either.  I was just preoccupied with what was gonna happen to me and my body.  It is all I could think about what if I lose the tube, or the ovary, why is God doing this to me, this is so unfair, I don't deserve this I have been strong and fought hard to have a baby, there is nothing more I can sacrifice.  Plus physically I was not feeling great either tired and just plan crappy!!!!!  Went to bed.

I had Monday morning off once again tried to get up and get the normal household chores done.  I did but it was just motions.  Cramping and feeling yuck but no pain like I had the week prior.  Still not much bleeding not a good sign.  Glad I could go to work that afternoon just to get my mind off everything.  Got home cooked dinner still desperatley trying to keep my mind off the results and possibilty of the looming surgery. 

Working Tuesday.  One thing I have allowed myself this time is to not pretend that everything is okay and put on my happy face and lie as I greet my patients.  Oh I am great how are you?  I am honest now I say life has been better but I am sure it could get worse and you?  That is now the statement I make.  Why put myself through the misery of trying to pretend I am happy when the truth is my world is crumbling right before my very eyes and there is absouletly NOTHING I can do but wait and see where the cards fall.  On the way home Tuesday night I lose it.  Crying and really looking at my life in the raw form.  The reality of my life is becoming that Travis and I may never have children.  Its not just like this is the first time I have had that thought but I never have really felt it the way I do now.  I start to analyze all the parts of my life including my marriage. Travis is not great when it comes to dealing with all this stuff.  He struggles to find ways to support me.  It most certainley does not come natural to him and to be honest sometimes I feel very alone when we miscarry.  When I get home it is very obvious that I have been crying and am very upset.  I explain everything that is going on in my head including the fact that I am very scared about the outcome of the next blood draw.  Travis listens and tries to comfort me the best he can.  I have to admit this is not his strong point.

The good news if you can call it that is I am bleeding comparable to previous miscarriages.  I feel like crap both mentally and physically.  So the blood draw comes back today and has dropped to 364.  Haven't talked about where we go from here but hoping that this is a positive on top of all the negative that I carry around. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Will we ever have a miracle?

Well life has only gotten worst for Travis and I. As you all know we were waiting until next year to get started with our treatment.  Travis was going to enjoy huntimg I was going to enjoy the holidays something I have not been able to do since this whole process began 5 years ago.  Guess what no matter how much we plan it never works out for us!  So I will take you back to the another horrific event that still today we are still going through.

I had a period on Oct 15th after a positive ovulation test 1 week post birdies and babies.  Can't help myself I will always track ovulation etc it has just become apart of who I am at this point.  Wasn't expecting anything other than a period so no big surprise when I got my period.  13 days later on Oct 26th I started to get some discharge that appeared to have a little brownish tint to it.  Not thinking to much of that.  Things always seem to be odd when you are obssesed with every little detail.  But at 2:30 in the morning I woke up with some actual red discharge.  Now I know that is not normal.  I did not sleep the whole rest of the night.  Travis heard me being very restless and asked if everything was okay.  I said no I think I am miscarrying.  He looks at me and says honey thats not possible you just had your period 13 days ago.  Of course he is just as intune to my schedule as I am.  I said I know I just have this feeling somethings not right.  I said go back to bed at least one of us should get some sleep.  He did.  Wish I could sleep like that.  I laid awake for th next 4 hours reviewing every possibilty.  There is no way I can be pregnant nothing is adding up.  Oh well once again I will leave it in gods hands but I know I have to call Dr. Heiberger tommorow to see what is going on.  I never want to compromise my fertility in anyway. Of course the first question they always ask is if I took a pregnancy test.  So I took one never expecting what came next.  It was postive.  I haven't had a positive result in so long I had to check the box to make sure I was actually reading it properly.  I still could not believe it I walked out the bathroom and back in making sure I was seeing things right.  I called Travis immediatley he was just as dumb founded as I was.  Neither one of gets excited because we are so used to it ending in a loss and we know what comes next blood draws every other day.

I called Dr. Heiberger of course she got me in immediatley.  She wsa so excited.She was lughiung wait till Dr. Feinberg hears this she said.  I was not sharing in the joy.  She said no matter how it ends up its a positive thing you got pregnant this is a good thing.  My mom went with me for moral support.  She did an internal exam and said my utereus felt a little hard which is a good thing.  We needed to get a quantative HCG and progesterone to see what was going on.  Of to the lab I went.  Once again the have trouble drawing blood and it hurts like hell.  Dr. Heiberger ordered it stat so she could get the results ASAP.  She know I hate the waiting game.  She called at 2:30 that afternoon my HCG was 1014.  We had to wait on progesterone till the next day.  She wasn't taking any chances we started progesterone suppostories.  Friday Melissa called my progesterone was 9.2 a little low but no cause for concern of miscarriage at this point.  I was to repeat HCG Saturday and see were it goes.  Travis left for hunting Friday afternoon three hours away.

Saturday I went for my blood draw once again a stat order.  Dr. Heiberger was not in the office that day but she had them phone the reults to her as soon as they got them.  As soon as I heard her voice I knew things were not good.  My HCg was only 1400 it should at least go up by 60%. Its funny I didn't even cry It has become so routine that I am almost numb to it.  I was not prepared for what came next though.  She wanted me to go tot he emergency room right away for an emergency ultrasound.  Her concern was that it was an ectopic pregnancy.  I know how serious that can be if it ruptures it can cause you to lose a fallopian tube or ovary or even worst kill you from the internal bleeding.

I was at my moms house so again she went with me. My poor Dad didn't know what to do or say.  So he just hugged me.  the ultasound tech confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy that was stuck between  the fallopian tube and ovary.  I was so scared now.  She called Dr. Heiberger and had me wait in the waiting room.  Then Dr. Heiberger wanted to talk with me.  She had already called Dr. Feinberg and Dr. Oh another doctor in her practice to see how we should proceed surgery or shot of methotrexate.  She disccused with me at length our options she told me if in any way I had any doubts I needed to repeat HCG on Monday.  I told her there was no way I wanted to compromise my health and there really was no reason to wait the handwriting was on the wall.  She was so sad for me.  I was numb my mom kept asking if I was okay because I wasn't crying.  I go into survival mode I have to keep my emotions under control because I need to be able to think clearly and make decesions that I have to live with the rest of my life.  I called Travis he asked if he should come home.  I told him not to.  I wanted him to be able to enjoy hunting and at this point there was nothing he could do.  He was three hours away and by the time he got there I would be done.  I had to have more blood drawn they needed certain baselines before they gave me the methotrexate.  Once again trouble finding a good vein.  I was all alone at this point because my mom had to leave for work.  My Dad wanted to come but there is nothing anyone can do for me.  All there gonna do is sit and wait just like me.  The nurse kept saying your handling this so well.  I explained to her that this was my fourth miscarriage.  The look on her face was shock.  She told me how sorry she was.  As I laid there listening to all that was going on around me I did start to cry.  I know I am not to questions Gods plan for me but seriously I don't get it.  It is like some sort of sick joke he keeps playing on us.  I shed a few more tears all I wanted to do was get out of there.  I had to wait for the results of my blood draw and to make sure I didn't have any reaction to the methotrexate.  Right before I am getting ready to leave I hear a page for the doctor to come for the phone from  Dr. Heiberger.  I hear the doctor on the phone she reassures Dr everything is okay and I am doing well.  It's 6:00 on Saturday night when she should be with her family and shes calling to check on me.  I have the best doctors in the world. 

I want to pretend like everythings normal so I go to the grocery sore and get stuff to ccok dinner for my dad and I.  We were suppose to go out to dinner but I was in no mood to face people at all. I made dinner and my dad and I spent the night just chatting about other things.  It was so nice to spend time with just him.  That doesn't happen to often.  My mom came home from work early she just wanted to be with me.  We were going to go to church on Sunday but I told my mom I was not in the mood to praise God right now.  It's funny I didn't go into the devestating tail spin like I normally do.  I wasn't mad at God this time I wasn't totally shattered I was just sad.  I talked to Travis he was worried.  I told him I just know how much more I can take.  He said Brooke you are strong and you always find the strength to keep going on.  Plus he said emotions are very high right now please just try and calm down and relax.  He was not going to hunt in the morning he just wanted to come home and be with me.

Sunday was a bad day to say the least.  I went to Walmart to do the weekly grocery shopping.  I walked by the baby items aisle and just started to cry.  Al I want is to be bale to buy things for my baby.  I can't even look at that stuff without bawling anymore.  As I was checking out a womens was behind me with her baby.  The baby was crying and my heart was aching.  It was a reminder that I may never here those sounds out of a baby of my own.  All I kept thinking was make it stop I can't take it.  Now I am in line checking out and crying.  The cashier was just looking at me like I was crazy. I just wanted to run out of the store and crawl into a hole.  I cried the whole way home.  Not only was I emotionally upset the pain was starting to become intense.  I crawled into bed as soon as I got home.  Travis handled the groceries and made me call emergency room doc to see if this was normal.  He just doesn't know what to do when I am at this stage.  Plus he hasn't seen me in pain like that in a very long time.

This was the most painful miscarriage I have had.  I should not have gone to wrok on Monday but I did.  It was in horrific pain.  I could hardly walk or sit.  I was literally doubled over in pain.  By the time I got home I had no color in my face and was sweating.  I didn't want to take anything fo rthe pain because I wanted to be able to gauge it so I knew if I had to go back to the emergncy room.  By monday night I couldn't take it anymore I took a vicoden but my candy bowl on the front porch and went to bed.

I had an HCG draw on wednesday the level had dropped 400 so that lets us know that the shot was working.  I go back today for another blood draw to make sure my levels are continuing to go down.  This will continue probably once a week until it's down to 0. 

Travis is up north hunting again this weekend hopefully he can find some peace this weekend. I am going to go out to dinner with my good friend Karin who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma.  Everyone has their cross to bear in life.  Infertility is mine!