Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I can breath

It is always nice to have a day like today to sit and reflect on how crazy life has been lately!  Not only did we have the normal hub bub of the christmas rush but we were dealing with the miscarriage and all the follow up that goes along with that.  Which is exactley what we didn't want to do but as I always say God's got a plan it's just not mine.  So here's where we are at at the moment.  My HCG levels finally came down to zero and on the morning of that blood draw I got my period.  Which was bitter sweet because I had been bleeding continously for about a month and had finally gotten a little reprive but I was excited because now we could go forward with the test to check if there was any damage or blockages in my utereus and fallopian tubes.  There seems to always be something to worry about when you are trying to get pregnant. 

On Dec 16th I went for the test with my good friend Dr. Heiberger.  Hugs and holiday wishes were exchanged.  Good vibes were all around I just love her.  She makes me feel so at ease with any situation we are presented with.  The tech was surpised that Dr. was going to be doing the test herself as this is not common.  I smiled and explained that this was my four miscarriage and Dr. H is not going to leave anything to chance with this round of IVF.  I am sure she wanted to see for herself as well.  I would have anyways.  The test did not take that long and was not painful EXCEPT for that ballon they inflate to expand your utereus.  That hurt like HE double hockey sticks.  At this point I have a passing thought of what the pain might be like to actually give birth.  I have gone though so much pain and suffering to try and get pregnant I forgot that you actually have to give birth as well.  We will cross that bridge hopefully soon but in the mean time Epideral all around for me!!  The test was all clear no blockages, tubal isuues or problems with my utereus.  Great news.  No explanations for why the continued miscarriages though.  I guess thats why we have the diagnosis unexplained infertility. 

In the mean time I am constantley checking Katie's blog because I know the time frameand I know that pretty soon we should have an answer as to how her cycle went.  On Monday Dec 19th I got a heart warming answer to my question.  She was pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!I frantically searched for her cell # and couldn't find it so I emailed her to call me ASAP!  I was crying such tears of joy when my phone rang.  We talked for over an hour.  Things like this are what give us hope that one day soon maybe I can cry tears of happiness for myself.  With Katies beta numbers I am sooo sure she is having twins.  I went to bed that night with an actual peace I haven't felt in a long time.  In that moment all was right with the world even if I wasn't pregnant my good friend Katie was and is.  God does work miracles.

I also had talked to Dr. Feinbergs nurse on Monday to come up with our game plan.  In Jan we will do a biopsy.   Also Travis and I will both go on a round of Doxcycline just to rule out any kind of bad bacteria floating around and compromising anything and then IVF here we come.  I am so ready to get started again and just hope that this time we will have a different outcome.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's just not enough

My Hcg is at 25.  I need to be less than 5 in order for Dr. Heiberger to discontinue weekly blood draws.  So I will return Dec 7th for yet another blood draw.  Hopefully this will be the last one and we can start to move forward with our plans.  Our plans have been slightly altered before we proceed with any further treatments they want to do a HSG which is a test where they shoot dye into your utereus and check how it flows through the fallopian tubes to make sure there is no damage.  That will put my mind at ease.  The test needs to be performed on day 7 to 12 of your period which I will get after my hcg gets to zero.  I just know how lucky I am to have not had to have surgery or lose a tube or worse yet an ovary. 

As all this is taking place life otherwise is normal.  We had a wonderful small thanksgiving.  Travis cooked the most juicy bird and everyone had a great time just enjoying family.  It was extra special this year because my mom usually has to work at the hospital and this year she was off so we cooked laughed and laughed some more.  Some tears were shed but I really wanted this to be a time of joy and thanksgiving.  Of course there are a lot of things I could wallow in self pity about but I really wanted these holidays to be enjoyed.  Thats why we had decided to not start treatment until January.  So I had that short period of time where it was dark and depressing but it didn't consume me like it has in the past.   I really think thats because we have the gift from birdies for babies and my faith in god is so much stronger now.  In a strang way I have made peace with what gods plan is for us.  I have actually even thought we will be okay even if gods plan is not for us to have children.  Thats not to say that I have truley wrapped my thoughts around that.  As we know we always think you are okay with everything until that becomes your true reality. 

For now we won't think that that we will ever have to face that reality because we still have hope!  We will continue to enjoy this blessed holiday season like our original plan was and know that 2012 is a new year.  Hopefully it will be the year for all the birdies for babies babies to be born.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers Katie Davis and Katie O'Brien I am anxiously awaiting all th good news we have coming.  I follow your guys blog and find strength in knowing I am not alone.  For the first time in a long time I am part of a club noone ever wants to be apart of but if I have to I want these strong and persitant women routing for me too. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Keep dropping

This is just a short update seeing as I am so busy getting ready to host Thanksgiving.  Had another blood draw Friday HCG is now at 99.  Dropping but not at zero yet.  I will go for another blood draw Monday the 28th.   We have to get to zero.  Feels like its taking forever!  No time to dwell on the negative.  This is a time of thanks and thankful I am.  I did not lose my tube or my ovary thanks to my wonderful doctors.  Even more important I have a husband and family who loves me and I am going to eat turkey and be thankful for all that I do have.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!  Gobble Gobble!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The darkness is setting in

I told myself I wasn't going to do this this time but the mind and the heart are very powerful things.  Last Saturday Nov 5th I went for my HCG draw.  At 12:30 Dr. Tart called with not good news.  My HCG had actually gone up from 1014 to 1025.  This was letting us know that the Methotrexate was no longer dissolving the pregnancy.  So you guessed it off to LF Hospital for another shot of Methotrexate.  Dr. Tart assured me that this happens in 20% of cases and to try not to get myself to worked up.  I love that phrase.  Everyone means well but until you walk in my shoes and think my thoughts everyday Good Luck!  Of course now the reality of me possibly lossing my fallopian tube or ovary is becoming very real.  I could not get another blood darw until today Wed Nov. 9th.  Travis is up north hunting and so after I go to the hospital  I go to the place I always go when I need comfort my mom and dads house.  Dad and I had a nice dinner at the Silo next time get a real meal. (Dad forgo the salad and pig out like me!) Then we went home and watched my brother play his racquetball match on the computer.  It wasn't the Crofts day he lost!  My mom was at work.  Travis had a good day though he got a ten pointer.  At least one of is having fun and doing the things we enjoy.   The medicine and I am sure everything my body is going through makes me very tired.  By 8:30 I was in snooze land. 

Got up on Sunday it was the time change Mom and Dad slept in I got up had my coffee and read my book till those lazy bones got up.  My mom and I have been trying to clean her basement out not a small chore I must say.  Mom asked if I wanted to go to church.  I did. I did not want to go down the same path I have in previous miscarriages I needed to keep God in my life even if I don't understand what his plan is.  I have to be perfectly honest I know its not mine to question but I do!  Message was good. I felt guilty being there when my mind was not totally in the moment. I went home to try and be happy for Travis.  That wasn't working either.  I was just preoccupied with what was gonna happen to me and my body.  It is all I could think about what if I lose the tube, or the ovary, why is God doing this to me, this is so unfair, I don't deserve this I have been strong and fought hard to have a baby, there is nothing more I can sacrifice.  Plus physically I was not feeling great either tired and just plan crappy!!!!!  Went to bed.

I had Monday morning off once again tried to get up and get the normal household chores done.  I did but it was just motions.  Cramping and feeling yuck but no pain like I had the week prior.  Still not much bleeding not a good sign.  Glad I could go to work that afternoon just to get my mind off everything.  Got home cooked dinner still desperatley trying to keep my mind off the results and possibilty of the looming surgery. 

Working Tuesday.  One thing I have allowed myself this time is to not pretend that everything is okay and put on my happy face and lie as I greet my patients.  Oh I am great how are you?  I am honest now I say life has been better but I am sure it could get worse and you?  That is now the statement I make.  Why put myself through the misery of trying to pretend I am happy when the truth is my world is crumbling right before my very eyes and there is absouletly NOTHING I can do but wait and see where the cards fall.  On the way home Tuesday night I lose it.  Crying and really looking at my life in the raw form.  The reality of my life is becoming that Travis and I may never have children.  Its not just like this is the first time I have had that thought but I never have really felt it the way I do now.  I start to analyze all the parts of my life including my marriage. Travis is not great when it comes to dealing with all this stuff.  He struggles to find ways to support me.  It most certainley does not come natural to him and to be honest sometimes I feel very alone when we miscarry.  When I get home it is very obvious that I have been crying and am very upset.  I explain everything that is going on in my head including the fact that I am very scared about the outcome of the next blood draw.  Travis listens and tries to comfort me the best he can.  I have to admit this is not his strong point.

The good news if you can call it that is I am bleeding comparable to previous miscarriages.  I feel like crap both mentally and physically.  So the blood draw comes back today and has dropped to 364.  Haven't talked about where we go from here but hoping that this is a positive on top of all the negative that I carry around. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Will we ever have a miracle?

Well life has only gotten worst for Travis and I. As you all know we were waiting until next year to get started with our treatment.  Travis was going to enjoy huntimg I was going to enjoy the holidays something I have not been able to do since this whole process began 5 years ago.  Guess what no matter how much we plan it never works out for us!  So I will take you back to the another horrific event that still today we are still going through.

I had a period on Oct 15th after a positive ovulation test 1 week post birdies and babies.  Can't help myself I will always track ovulation etc it has just become apart of who I am at this point.  Wasn't expecting anything other than a period so no big surprise when I got my period.  13 days later on Oct 26th I started to get some discharge that appeared to have a little brownish tint to it.  Not thinking to much of that.  Things always seem to be odd when you are obssesed with every little detail.  But at 2:30 in the morning I woke up with some actual red discharge.  Now I know that is not normal.  I did not sleep the whole rest of the night.  Travis heard me being very restless and asked if everything was okay.  I said no I think I am miscarrying.  He looks at me and says honey thats not possible you just had your period 13 days ago.  Of course he is just as intune to my schedule as I am.  I said I know I just have this feeling somethings not right.  I said go back to bed at least one of us should get some sleep.  He did.  Wish I could sleep like that.  I laid awake for th next 4 hours reviewing every possibilty.  There is no way I can be pregnant nothing is adding up.  Oh well once again I will leave it in gods hands but I know I have to call Dr. Heiberger tommorow to see what is going on.  I never want to compromise my fertility in anyway. Of course the first question they always ask is if I took a pregnancy test.  So I took one never expecting what came next.  It was postive.  I haven't had a positive result in so long I had to check the box to make sure I was actually reading it properly.  I still could not believe it I walked out the bathroom and back in making sure I was seeing things right.  I called Travis immediatley he was just as dumb founded as I was.  Neither one of gets excited because we are so used to it ending in a loss and we know what comes next blood draws every other day.

I called Dr. Heiberger of course she got me in immediatley.  She wsa so excited.She was lughiung wait till Dr. Feinberg hears this she said.  I was not sharing in the joy.  She said no matter how it ends up its a positive thing you got pregnant this is a good thing.  My mom went with me for moral support.  She did an internal exam and said my utereus felt a little hard which is a good thing.  We needed to get a quantative HCG and progesterone to see what was going on.  Of to the lab I went.  Once again the have trouble drawing blood and it hurts like hell.  Dr. Heiberger ordered it stat so she could get the results ASAP.  She know I hate the waiting game.  She called at 2:30 that afternoon my HCG was 1014.  We had to wait on progesterone till the next day.  She wasn't taking any chances we started progesterone suppostories.  Friday Melissa called my progesterone was 9.2 a little low but no cause for concern of miscarriage at this point.  I was to repeat HCG Saturday and see were it goes.  Travis left for hunting Friday afternoon three hours away.

Saturday I went for my blood draw once again a stat order.  Dr. Heiberger was not in the office that day but she had them phone the reults to her as soon as they got them.  As soon as I heard her voice I knew things were not good.  My HCg was only 1400 it should at least go up by 60%. Its funny I didn't even cry It has become so routine that I am almost numb to it.  I was not prepared for what came next though.  She wanted me to go tot he emergency room right away for an emergency ultrasound.  Her concern was that it was an ectopic pregnancy.  I know how serious that can be if it ruptures it can cause you to lose a fallopian tube or ovary or even worst kill you from the internal bleeding.

I was at my moms house so again she went with me. My poor Dad didn't know what to do or say.  So he just hugged me.  the ultasound tech confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy that was stuck between  the fallopian tube and ovary.  I was so scared now.  She called Dr. Heiberger and had me wait in the waiting room.  Then Dr. Heiberger wanted to talk with me.  She had already called Dr. Feinberg and Dr. Oh another doctor in her practice to see how we should proceed surgery or shot of methotrexate.  She disccused with me at length our options she told me if in any way I had any doubts I needed to repeat HCG on Monday.  I told her there was no way I wanted to compromise my health and there really was no reason to wait the handwriting was on the wall.  She was so sad for me.  I was numb my mom kept asking if I was okay because I wasn't crying.  I go into survival mode I have to keep my emotions under control because I need to be able to think clearly and make decesions that I have to live with the rest of my life.  I called Travis he asked if he should come home.  I told him not to.  I wanted him to be able to enjoy hunting and at this point there was nothing he could do.  He was three hours away and by the time he got there I would be done.  I had to have more blood drawn they needed certain baselines before they gave me the methotrexate.  Once again trouble finding a good vein.  I was all alone at this point because my mom had to leave for work.  My Dad wanted to come but there is nothing anyone can do for me.  All there gonna do is sit and wait just like me.  The nurse kept saying your handling this so well.  I explained to her that this was my fourth miscarriage.  The look on her face was shock.  She told me how sorry she was.  As I laid there listening to all that was going on around me I did start to cry.  I know I am not to questions Gods plan for me but seriously I don't get it.  It is like some sort of sick joke he keeps playing on us.  I shed a few more tears all I wanted to do was get out of there.  I had to wait for the results of my blood draw and to make sure I didn't have any reaction to the methotrexate.  Right before I am getting ready to leave I hear a page for the doctor to come for the phone from  Dr. Heiberger.  I hear the doctor on the phone she reassures Dr everything is okay and I am doing well.  It's 6:00 on Saturday night when she should be with her family and shes calling to check on me.  I have the best doctors in the world. 

I want to pretend like everythings normal so I go to the grocery sore and get stuff to ccok dinner for my dad and I.  We were suppose to go out to dinner but I was in no mood to face people at all. I made dinner and my dad and I spent the night just chatting about other things.  It was so nice to spend time with just him.  That doesn't happen to often.  My mom came home from work early she just wanted to be with me.  We were going to go to church on Sunday but I told my mom I was not in the mood to praise God right now.  It's funny I didn't go into the devestating tail spin like I normally do.  I wasn't mad at God this time I wasn't totally shattered I was just sad.  I talked to Travis he was worried.  I told him I just know how much more I can take.  He said Brooke you are strong and you always find the strength to keep going on.  Plus he said emotions are very high right now please just try and calm down and relax.  He was not going to hunt in the morning he just wanted to come home and be with me.

Sunday was a bad day to say the least.  I went to Walmart to do the weekly grocery shopping.  I walked by the baby items aisle and just started to cry.  Al I want is to be bale to buy things for my baby.  I can't even look at that stuff without bawling anymore.  As I was checking out a womens was behind me with her baby.  The baby was crying and my heart was aching.  It was a reminder that I may never here those sounds out of a baby of my own.  All I kept thinking was make it stop I can't take it.  Now I am in line checking out and crying.  The cashier was just looking at me like I was crazy. I just wanted to run out of the store and crawl into a hole.  I cried the whole way home.  Not only was I emotionally upset the pain was starting to become intense.  I crawled into bed as soon as I got home.  Travis handled the groceries and made me call emergency room doc to see if this was normal.  He just doesn't know what to do when I am at this stage.  Plus he hasn't seen me in pain like that in a very long time.

This was the most painful miscarriage I have had.  I should not have gone to wrok on Monday but I did.  It was in horrific pain.  I could hardly walk or sit.  I was literally doubled over in pain.  By the time I got home I had no color in my face and was sweating.  I didn't want to take anything fo rthe pain because I wanted to be able to gauge it so I knew if I had to go back to the emergncy room.  By monday night I couldn't take it anymore I took a vicoden but my candy bowl on the front porch and went to bed.

I had an HCG draw on wednesday the level had dropped 400 so that lets us know that the shot was working.  I go back today for another blood draw to make sure my levels are continuing to go down.  This will continue probably once a week until it's down to 0. 

Travis is up north hunting again this weekend hopefully he can find some peace this weekend. I am going to go out to dinner with my good friend Karin who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma.  Everyone has their cross to bear in life.  Infertility is mine!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Patience is a virtue

We have been waiting anxiously to get the final results from Birdies for Babies.  Todd and Melissa have given us a final number and we are over the top.  It will allow us to do 2 IVF cycles should we need it.  I am confident we will not Dr. Feinberg has great plans for us. 

I went for a consultation with her on October 7th to formulate a plan.  As you know these things take precious timing and a lot of planning.  Travis and I decided even before Birdies for Babies we would not start any treatment until after the first of the year. Two out of my three miscarriages occured before Christmas plus a new year always feels like a fresh start.

Dr. Feinberg has suggested I have procedure called an endometrial biopsy.  The procedure is done in the office and doesn't require me to go under.  That and the progesterone shots are the worst part of the whole process for me.  I HATE being put under twilight or general doesn't matter.  Anyways Dr. Feinberg will take a small biopsy.   By doing the biopsy it produces healing cytokines and good enzymes which increase the chances of our embryos implanting.  This procedure has to be done a month before we undergo IVF.  Dr. Feinberg feels like a friend now at this point.  The consulatation did not have that medical feel it was more like us sitting down and chatting.  She feels very positive and hopeful.  One of the things we discussed was that during the last IVF cycle we were under a study which regulated how much stimulation medication I could take.  Although I responded very well Dr. Feinberg thinks we can get even more embryos this time.  SOOO exciting.  She has no doubts about of being able to conceive and has very little reservations about our upcoming cycle. Dr. Feinberg will be hosting another event that is near and dear to her heart on June 23rd.  She has asked me to be a part of this great event as well.  Stay tuned for details. 

I am emotionally in a very different place this time.  Patience has never been my strong point but this whole experience has taught me nothing but that.  I feel almost at peace with the journey we are about to go on.  I can't even imagine if we conceive telling our child how many people pulled together to make our dreams come true.  What a great story to be born under.  Travis is looking forward to hunting this month without having to rush home or even skip his weekend to have to do his duty as he calls it.  I am so happy that he is able to go into the woods with no baby pressure.  Happy hunting honey.  Bring home the big buck and I'll bring home the baby. 

Good luck to Katie and Pat as they embark on their new journey as well.  You are right Katie 2012 is our year I am following and wishing all my good thoughts and prayers with you!!!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Crescendo

It's been  a couple weeks since Birdies for babies.  I needed time to get back to "normal"  The day after the event I did 7 loads of laundry and spent 5 hours just getting things back to functional.  Birdies for babies was definatly my priority.  So everyones dying to know how it went. 

Travis and I went down on Friday to help Melissa and Todd set up.  We stuffed the gift bags with all the wonderful goodies.  We went to dinner to just try and relax before the big day.  At dinner I received a phone call from Melissa that ABC nightly news was going to be at the event and wanted to follow us while we golfed.  I was super excited but fearful of how Travis would react.  Remember he does not like to be in the spot light.  So I broke the news and to my suprise he was okay with it.  Got to bed early because we knew that Saturday was going to be a long busy day.  The beds were so comfy at the Country Inn and Suites.  I slept like a baby.

Alarm went off at 5 am. We needed to be there by 6 to help with final set up.  The weather man had been calling for rain so we were praying it was going to be a dry day.  As we started to drive the rain started to fall.  I looked at Travis and told him he cursed us.  A few weeks before he said its gonna rain on our event.  The rain got heavier as we got closer to the course.  But god was smiling on us because at 6:55 the clouds parted and the sun came out.  It was going to be a glorious day. 

I will never be able to convey to you what it was like to walk into Tamarack after Melissa had performed her magic.  We left the banquet area a blank canvas and when we walked in it had been transormed into a amazing golf outing.  I started to cry it was so beautiful.  Melissa really puts her heart and creativity into putting the prizes and silent auction together.  We met our new friends Katie and Pat last years recepient and my support system.  Katie was great to me she answered any of my questions and helped me get this blog going.   She is also responsible for the TV crew showing up as well. 

At 7 am golfers were starting to arrive.  I checked people in with my Mom and Dad and Travis and Pat handed out wind shirts.  It was amazing to see all the people that came out to support us that we had never even met.  When our friends arrived it made the whole thing come full circle. 

8 o'clock golf started.  Of course we were the last ones out.  We golfed with our friends Corey and John.  They were so much fun.  We haven't laughed that hard in a long time.  We still had to break the news that the news crew was going to be following us to them.  I wanted for the first screwdriver to be finished.  They were fine with it.  They like us at this point were just rolling with the punches. 

About 11 o'clock the news crew showed up.  How akward was that!  They tell you to act normal while you have a camera and a big fuzzy microphone in your face.  I shanked all my shots when they were with us.  Good thing it was a scramble.  They had to leave us because a foursome that wasn't with our outing complained we were holding up play. 

I was able to visit with our friends in between holes.  All you could hear was laughter all around everyone was having such a great time.  Dana was out on patrol selling raffle tickets.  She is a riot.  Another past recepient.  It's funny because we all bonded so quickly but we also seem to have the same type of personalities.  She actually had someone donate $140.00 if she could come back with a cubs hat.  She did it!

When we arrived at the reception the news crew was waiting for an interview and Todd needed to get the reception started.  I was getting really nervous about giving my speech.  I am not great at speaking in front of big groups.  As I looked around I realized all these people our here to support this cause and a peace came over me.  It went off without a hitch.  Travis was by my side the whole time providing the support only he can. 

After it was all over Travis and I realized we hadn't eaten a thing all day.  Adrenaline had left and we were starving.  We stopped by Tommy Nevilles pub to relax with Katie, Pat and Todd.  Travis was exhausted and starving so we headed off to get something to eat.  Full bellies and totally exhausted we went back to hotel and as I closed my eyes that night I was kind of sad it was all over.  Then I remebered theres always next year!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It's all becoming so real

Great things are happening leading up to this wonderful event.  The PR buzz is on!!!! Birdies for babies has received some wonderful publicity.  Todd, Melissa, Katie and I have been interviewing with some of the local papers.  The articles from Oswego patch and Naperville Sun times came out today.  We are still waiting on the article from the Chicago Tribune.  Tommorow morning Melissa and katie are headed dsown to NBC to give a shout out to Birdies for babies.  I could not attend due to schedule conflicts at work.  It's such a shame I would have loved to have been there with these wonderful women.  So watch for them tommorow on NBC between 6:30 and 7 a.m.  You can also read the articles at http://oswego.patch.com/articles/oswego-couple-organizing-golf-outing-to-benefit-infetri-couples.
and http://napervillesun.suntimes.com/lifestyles/7750942-423/birdies-for-babies-raises-money-for-in-vitro-fertilization.html.  Gillian is doing a great job promoting our event for us!!  Kudos to you.

Also special thanks to FCI Penny has donated a limo to eleviate the stress of the long drive for our friends who are able to attend.   Everyone has been so wonderful and giving.  There is so much support from these individuals it is unbelievable.

Donations are coming in as well.  This week things are really looking up.   Thanks to the maternity staff at Lake Forest Hospital for your donations.  Especially the wonderful women who sold candles and donated 30% of what she made to our cause.  I never know if I should mention names or not. My mom and sister who sold a fundraising pack of candy bars.  Family is the best.  I love you guys so much.  Don't know what I would do without you guys.   Keslin landscaping.  Jenny who donated her wages for a day! Then anothr touching event happened tonight I was presented a wonderful gift from all my coworkers at Delany Dental.    Come visit us. Not only is it beautiful but the dentists are above and beyond superior.  One of the blessings I thank God for all the time is being able to work with such caring people who are also the best at what they do.

Everyone always asks how Travis is doing.  He is a little sad that not more of our friends could be there but we understand everyone has priorities and obviously family and children will always come first. He is excited about the friends that will be there and is looking forward to greeting all the people who are supporting us that we don't know.  We silently hope we get to be a part of registration so we can greet and thank
all the people that are part of this wonderful experience. 

So last minute push is on and we are looking forward to a fun and wonderful event. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sometimes you wonder if anyones listening

We meet with Todd and Melissa two weeks ago to discuss the ins and outs of the golf outing.  They are so sweet and reassuring.  They really made me feel at ease about everything. I continued on asking for donations and spreading the word to anyone I could.  Last week Dr. Shapira did a press release and within 72 hours 17,000 people had read it.  I was so excited I figured this would definatley bring in some donations and golfers.  Nothing!

This week two of the bigger organiztions that I asked for donations denied us.  I have to be honest I am feeling VERY defeated!  I keep texting and calling our friends who swore they would see us there but no one has signed up yet.  I am starting to wonder if we are gonna have any golfers at all.  I understand financially it is a little bit of a strain and it is far away.  It's getting to be crunch time now though.  We will see how it pans out.  Wait and see is not something I am good at.  I keep trying to brain storm other ways to reach people.  I am out of ideas.  Travis has reassured me there is nothing else I can do.  I have done all I can. 

The only bright spot this week is that one of the newspapers in Oswego wants to do a story about BFB and Travis and I.  I am speaking with them Saturday.

Today I am off to Gurnee to try and get some more sponsorships.  Hopefully today will be a more productive day.  Always trying to look on the bright side and remember God has a plan but it's not always mine!.  

Friday, August 26, 2011

The Good and the Bad

Life has been busy posting flyers and trying to get golfers. We had a little bit of a disappointing week one of my very close friends and her husband will not be able to attend.  Also other friends of ours have commitments for that weekend as well.  On the bright side Delany Dental has been overly supportive.  They have donated two in office bleaching sessions.  Dr. Shapira put together a press release in sleep and medicine journal.  Bless his heart he has more on his plate then anyone can imagine and yet he still found time to do this for us.  Dr. Amidei is also very busy being the general contractor for our new office in Gurnee and he has been busy spreading the word as well .  He took flyers to the Gurnee Rotary.  I always knew I was fortunate to work with two dentists who are superior in their field and truley care about there staff but they have gone above and beyond for me personally.  We are hoping that all these leads will produce some golfers for us.  That seems to be the area we are struggling with.

Emotionally I have had a rough week.  I tend to be a pefectionist as well as a worry wart.  I am worried the event won't be a success.  People won't donate etc....  Plus I think it really hit me that we are going to be going through fertility treatments again and that is always a stressful time.   I am also feeling like I am not giving Travis the attention he needs as well.  One lesson I learned from previous treatments is I get all consumed with whats going on with me and forget about him.  I am trying to be very mindful of his feelings and not deserting him as a wife. I am trying to balance work B4b and being a wife.  It is very exciting don't get me wrong but stressful as well.  I just keep reminding myself to enjoy this because before I know it will be over.  It kind of reminds me of a wedding tons of planning and stress and then the day comes and you wish it could last longer.   

We are headed done to Tamarack today to meet with Todd.  It was difficult to find a time to meet between his schedule and ours.  We live an hour and half away from each other. He graciously accommodated our schedule. I am hoping he can put some of my fears at bay.  I will keep you posted!  Tommorow we are headed to the Brewers vs Cubs game.  Don't care who wins just looking forward to spending some time with Travis and family should be fun.  One of my favorite parts is when Bernie goes down the slide into a mug of beer.  Have to rejoice in the simple things in life some times. 

Thanks to Jandee Salons, Dr. Freund and staff, Lake Forest Hospital and Salutos. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Secrets told

So here are the things that you need to know about me. I am not a great social media person at ALL.  I am learning and experimenting as I go.  I apologize in advance you will find spelling mistakes I am a terrible speller.  So everytime I write I sit with my dictionary because I haven't figured out if this blog site has spell check yet.  I'll have to talk to Katie.  But the good news I think I figured out how to post pictures so lets see if it works. 

Let the word be spread

Now that the shock has worn off it was time to get down to business.  We needed to make this event a success.  I enlisted the help of my mom Beth and dad Bob to help brainstorm where we could start to hanging flyers and possibly ask for donations and sponsorships.  Both my mom and I made special frames to hold the flyers so that it looked a bit more professional than just a flyer hanging.  Hopefully I will be able to put them in as a donation at the event.  I have to say they turned out really cute.  Once I get better at this maybe I can post a picture so you can see them. Of course that will require the help of Katie last years winner.  I have only spoken to her once but from that fifeteen minute conversation I can tell she is someone I want to get to know better.  It is funny how sometimes you just get the right feel.  I definitely get that from eveyone I have been in contact with so far!  I was pretty proud of myself  for the picture frames and had fun doing it.  I also ordered cards that would go next to the flyer so that people could have the information to take with them.  For the places I felt it was appropriate I hand wrote a story about my journey.  Little did I know that each one of those books would take me two hours to write.  I felt it was important for people to know my story if they were going to donate to Birdies for Babies.   I have been getting very little sleep because I am constanlty thinking of ways to promote the event.  Any suggestions are certainley welcome my brain is getting tired.  So we would like to thank the people who have allowed us to promote the event in their businesses.  Dr. Wells, Dr. Wascow in Mundelein, Delany Dental Care in Gurnee, Weichs Inn in Mundelein, Graffeti Cafe in Lake Bluff and Lake Forest OBGYN and Bella Babies.  Your support means the world to us.  Thank you to those of you that offered suggestions and tips fom past outings.  Didn't know if you wanted to be mentioned by name but you know who you are. 

On Friday FCI called to use two of my quotes for their newsletter so you can watch for that as well.  Travis has been great. I can tell he is getting more and more excited about sharing our news.  My husband is a very private person so this was a huge thing for him to share.  I on the other hand have no problem sharing our story and helping anyone that needs advice, words of encourgement whatever I am here to help.  I apologize that my posts are not as frequent as I would like but there is a lot of work I must do for the event I will keep you posted as much as I can.  Feel free to visit www.golfinvite.com/bfb to sign up to golf or donate. 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Chance of a lifetime

Hello My name is Brooke Rice.  Many of you have probably read my story if you are visiting this site.  If not I will give you the shortened version.  As you all know four years of infertility is a very long journey.  My husband and I having been trying to conceive for four years.  We have suffered three miscarriages multiple rounds of Clomid, 2IUI, 1 IVF and 1 transfer of two embryos.  The emotional devestation this disease places on you and your family is undescribable.  After all of these treatments we were left with a huge debt because we have no coverage for infertility treatments.  We had reached a point where we no longer could afford to pursue our dreams of having a child.  Everyday I brainstormed of how we could pursue more treatments.  I checked into clinical trials, searched multiple websites and applied to any grant avaliable out there.  Nothing was materializing.  Out of sure desperation I called my OBGYN Dr. Heiberger begging for more rounds of Clomid.  We had conceived once this way.  It was our only hope at this point.  Dr. Heiberger gently and kindly informed me that we could not continue with Clomid.  She suggested that I look into Birdies for Babies.  I went home immediately and tried to fill out the application. I am not the most computer literate person and couldn't figure out how to fill out the application so I emailed Todd with an informal application.  Plus they gave you 5 lines to describe your history.  I laughed how could I begin to describe four years multiple fertility treatments and three miscarriages in 5 lines.  So I started to write.  11 pages later I had my story on paper.  Todd emailed me back with the application the next day advising me he needed a formal application.  I was on vacation the rest of that week so I didn't get his email till Sunday night.  Monday I received another application from Todd stressing he would like to have my essay and my application because the committe was making their decesion tommorow.  Without his email on Monday I would have missed the deadline.  Once again I couldn't figure out the application.  I called my brother desperate for help.  He was able to walk me through the process.  Thanks Ben wouldn't be here without your help.  I love you!

Birdies for babies is a golf outing that choses one couple who has suffered from infertility and can't afford to pursue their dreams of having a child to be the beneficiary of the proceeds from this event.  I didn't have much hope we would be chosen.  I had filled out tons of these types of things in the past. Truth be told I had briefly mentioned it to my husband.  At this point it probably went in one ear and out the other cause he probably thought the same way I did.  Another oppurtunity that won't come true. 

On Aug 2 at 5:58 our lives changed.  Todd Trader called to let me know that we had been chosen be the committee to be the beneficiaries of the 2011 Birdies for Babies outing.  I think no I know I was in shock for two days.  In an instant I went from not being able to be a mother to having a chance again.  My head was swirling.  I couldn't seem to believe that this was really happening to us but it has.  So here the next chapter of our journey begins.  Follow along for all the excitement that follows.  It's gonna be a fun and busy 6 weeks.