Will we ever have a miracle?

Well life has only gotten worst for Travis and I. As you all know we were waiting until next year to get started with our treatment.  Travis was going to enjoy huntimg I was going to enjoy the holidays something I have not been able to do since this whole process began 5 years ago.  Guess what no matter how much we plan it never works out for us!  So I will take you back to the another horrific event that still today we are still going through.

I had a period on Oct 15th after a positive ovulation test 1 week post birdies and babies.  Can't help myself I will always track ovulation etc it has just become apart of who I am at this point.  Wasn't expecting anything other than a period so no big surprise when I got my period.  13 days later on Oct 26th I started to get some discharge that appeared to have a little brownish tint to it.  Not thinking to much of that.  Things always seem to be odd when you are obssesed with every little detail.  But at 2:30 in the morning I woke up with some actual red discharge.  Now I know that is not normal.  I did not sleep the whole rest of the night.  Travis heard me being very restless and asked if everything was okay.  I said no I think I am miscarrying.  He looks at me and says honey thats not possible you just had your period 13 days ago.  Of course he is just as intune to my schedule as I am.  I said I know I just have this feeling somethings not right.  I said go back to bed at least one of us should get some sleep.  He did.  Wish I could sleep like that.  I laid awake for th next 4 hours reviewing every possibilty.  There is no way I can be pregnant nothing is adding up.  Oh well once again I will leave it in gods hands but I know I have to call Dr. Heiberger tommorow to see what is going on.  I never want to compromise my fertility in anyway. Of course the first question they always ask is if I took a pregnancy test.  So I took one never expecting what came next.  It was postive.  I haven't had a positive result in so long I had to check the box to make sure I was actually reading it properly.  I still could not believe it I walked out the bathroom and back in making sure I was seeing things right.  I called Travis immediatley he was just as dumb founded as I was.  Neither one of gets excited because we are so used to it ending in a loss and we know what comes next blood draws every other day.

I called Dr. Heiberger of course she got me in immediatley.  She wsa so excited.She was lughiung wait till Dr. Feinberg hears this she said.  I was not sharing in the joy.  She said no matter how it ends up its a positive thing you got pregnant this is a good thing.  My mom went with me for moral support.  She did an internal exam and said my utereus felt a little hard which is a good thing.  We needed to get a quantative HCG and progesterone to see what was going on.  Of to the lab I went.  Once again the have trouble drawing blood and it hurts like hell.  Dr. Heiberger ordered it stat so she could get the results ASAP.  She know I hate the waiting game.  She called at 2:30 that afternoon my HCG was 1014.  We had to wait on progesterone till the next day.  She wasn't taking any chances we started progesterone suppostories.  Friday Melissa called my progesterone was 9.2 a little low but no cause for concern of miscarriage at this point.  I was to repeat HCG Saturday and see were it goes.  Travis left for hunting Friday afternoon three hours away.

Saturday I went for my blood draw once again a stat order.  Dr. Heiberger was not in the office that day but she had them phone the reults to her as soon as they got them.  As soon as I heard her voice I knew things were not good.  My HCg was only 1400 it should at least go up by 60%. Its funny I didn't even cry It has become so routine that I am almost numb to it.  I was not prepared for what came next though.  She wanted me to go tot he emergency room right away for an emergency ultrasound.  Her concern was that it was an ectopic pregnancy.  I know how serious that can be if it ruptures it can cause you to lose a fallopian tube or ovary or even worst kill you from the internal bleeding.

I was at my moms house so again she went with me. My poor Dad didn't know what to do or say.  So he just hugged me.  the ultasound tech confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy that was stuck between  the fallopian tube and ovary.  I was so scared now.  She called Dr. Heiberger and had me wait in the waiting room.  Then Dr. Heiberger wanted to talk with me.  She had already called Dr. Feinberg and Dr. Oh another doctor in her practice to see how we should proceed surgery or shot of methotrexate.  She disccused with me at length our options she told me if in any way I had any doubts I needed to repeat HCG on Monday.  I told her there was no way I wanted to compromise my health and there really was no reason to wait the handwriting was on the wall.  She was so sad for me.  I was numb my mom kept asking if I was okay because I wasn't crying.  I go into survival mode I have to keep my emotions under control because I need to be able to think clearly and make decesions that I have to live with the rest of my life.  I called Travis he asked if he should come home.  I told him not to.  I wanted him to be able to enjoy hunting and at this point there was nothing he could do.  He was three hours away and by the time he got there I would be done.  I had to have more blood drawn they needed certain baselines before they gave me the methotrexate.  Once again trouble finding a good vein.  I was all alone at this point because my mom had to leave for work.  My Dad wanted to come but there is nothing anyone can do for me.  All there gonna do is sit and wait just like me.  The nurse kept saying your handling this so well.  I explained to her that this was my fourth miscarriage.  The look on her face was shock.  She told me how sorry she was.  As I laid there listening to all that was going on around me I did start to cry.  I know I am not to questions Gods plan for me but seriously I don't get it.  It is like some sort of sick joke he keeps playing on us.  I shed a few more tears all I wanted to do was get out of there.  I had to wait for the results of my blood draw and to make sure I didn't have any reaction to the methotrexate.  Right before I am getting ready to leave I hear a page for the doctor to come for the phone from  Dr. Heiberger.  I hear the doctor on the phone she reassures Dr everything is okay and I am doing well.  It's 6:00 on Saturday night when she should be with her family and shes calling to check on me.  I have the best doctors in the world. 

I want to pretend like everythings normal so I go to the grocery sore and get stuff to ccok dinner for my dad and I.  We were suppose to go out to dinner but I was in no mood to face people at all. I made dinner and my dad and I spent the night just chatting about other things.  It was so nice to spend time with just him.  That doesn't happen to often.  My mom came home from work early she just wanted to be with me.  We were going to go to church on Sunday but I told my mom I was not in the mood to praise God right now.  It's funny I didn't go into the devestating tail spin like I normally do.  I wasn't mad at God this time I wasn't totally shattered I was just sad.  I talked to Travis he was worried.  I told him I just know how much more I can take.  He said Brooke you are strong and you always find the strength to keep going on.  Plus he said emotions are very high right now please just try and calm down and relax.  He was not going to hunt in the morning he just wanted to come home and be with me.

Sunday was a bad day to say the least.  I went to Walmart to do the weekly grocery shopping.  I walked by the baby items aisle and just started to cry.  Al I want is to be bale to buy things for my baby.  I can't even look at that stuff without bawling anymore.  As I was checking out a womens was behind me with her baby.  The baby was crying and my heart was aching.  It was a reminder that I may never here those sounds out of a baby of my own.  All I kept thinking was make it stop I can't take it.  Now I am in line checking out and crying.  The cashier was just looking at me like I was crazy. I just wanted to run out of the store and crawl into a hole.  I cried the whole way home.  Not only was I emotionally upset the pain was starting to become intense.  I crawled into bed as soon as I got home.  Travis handled the groceries and made me call emergency room doc to see if this was normal.  He just doesn't know what to do when I am at this stage.  Plus he hasn't seen me in pain like that in a very long time.

This was the most painful miscarriage I have had.  I should not have gone to wrok on Monday but I did.  It was in horrific pain.  I could hardly walk or sit.  I was literally doubled over in pain.  By the time I got home I had no color in my face and was sweating.  I didn't want to take anything fo rthe pain because I wanted to be able to gauge it so I knew if I had to go back to the emergncy room.  By monday night I couldn't take it anymore I took a vicoden but my candy bowl on the front porch and went to bed.

I had an HCG draw on wednesday the level had dropped 400 so that lets us know that the shot was working.  I go back today for another blood draw to make sure my levels are continuing to go down.  This will continue probably once a week until it's down to 0. 

Travis is up north hunting again this weekend hopefully he can find some peace this weekend. I am going to go out to dinner with my good friend Karin who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma.  Everyone has their cross to bear in life.  Infertility is mine!