Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The darkness is setting in

I told myself I wasn't going to do this this time but the mind and the heart are very powerful things.  Last Saturday Nov 5th I went for my HCG draw.  At 12:30 Dr. Tart called with not good news.  My HCG had actually gone up from 1014 to 1025.  This was letting us know that the Methotrexate was no longer dissolving the pregnancy.  So you guessed it off to LF Hospital for another shot of Methotrexate.  Dr. Tart assured me that this happens in 20% of cases and to try not to get myself to worked up.  I love that phrase.  Everyone means well but until you walk in my shoes and think my thoughts everyday Good Luck!  Of course now the reality of me possibly lossing my fallopian tube or ovary is becoming very real.  I could not get another blood darw until today Wed Nov. 9th.  Travis is up north hunting and so after I go to the hospital  I go to the place I always go when I need comfort my mom and dads house.  Dad and I had a nice dinner at the Silo next time get a real meal. (Dad forgo the salad and pig out like me!) Then we went home and watched my brother play his racquetball match on the computer.  It wasn't the Crofts day he lost!  My mom was at work.  Travis had a good day though he got a ten pointer.  At least one of is having fun and doing the things we enjoy.   The medicine and I am sure everything my body is going through makes me very tired.  By 8:30 I was in snooze land. 

Got up on Sunday it was the time change Mom and Dad slept in I got up had my coffee and read my book till those lazy bones got up.  My mom and I have been trying to clean her basement out not a small chore I must say.  Mom asked if I wanted to go to church.  I did. I did not want to go down the same path I have in previous miscarriages I needed to keep God in my life even if I don't understand what his plan is.  I have to be perfectly honest I know its not mine to question but I do!  Message was good. I felt guilty being there when my mind was not totally in the moment. I went home to try and be happy for Travis.  That wasn't working either.  I was just preoccupied with what was gonna happen to me and my body.  It is all I could think about what if I lose the tube, or the ovary, why is God doing this to me, this is so unfair, I don't deserve this I have been strong and fought hard to have a baby, there is nothing more I can sacrifice.  Plus physically I was not feeling great either tired and just plan crappy!!!!!  Went to bed.

I had Monday morning off once again tried to get up and get the normal household chores done.  I did but it was just motions.  Cramping and feeling yuck but no pain like I had the week prior.  Still not much bleeding not a good sign.  Glad I could go to work that afternoon just to get my mind off everything.  Got home cooked dinner still desperatley trying to keep my mind off the results and possibilty of the looming surgery. 

Working Tuesday.  One thing I have allowed myself this time is to not pretend that everything is okay and put on my happy face and lie as I greet my patients.  Oh I am great how are you?  I am honest now I say life has been better but I am sure it could get worse and you?  That is now the statement I make.  Why put myself through the misery of trying to pretend I am happy when the truth is my world is crumbling right before my very eyes and there is absouletly NOTHING I can do but wait and see where the cards fall.  On the way home Tuesday night I lose it.  Crying and really looking at my life in the raw form.  The reality of my life is becoming that Travis and I may never have children.  Its not just like this is the first time I have had that thought but I never have really felt it the way I do now.  I start to analyze all the parts of my life including my marriage. Travis is not great when it comes to dealing with all this stuff.  He struggles to find ways to support me.  It most certainley does not come natural to him and to be honest sometimes I feel very alone when we miscarry.  When I get home it is very obvious that I have been crying and am very upset.  I explain everything that is going on in my head including the fact that I am very scared about the outcome of the next blood draw.  Travis listens and tries to comfort me the best he can.  I have to admit this is not his strong point.

The good news if you can call it that is I am bleeding comparable to previous miscarriages.  I feel like crap both mentally and physically.  So the blood draw comes back today and has dropped to 364.  Haven't talked about where we go from here but hoping that this is a positive on top of all the negative that I carry around. 

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